It astounds me that it has been over 16 months since I posted on this site. I have shared my thoughts in a few other places, but have neglected Secrets To Peace, entirely.
If you are still here, I apologize to you for not sharing my thoughts for so long. My life has been more complicated, in large part because of a failure, on my part, to live the Secrets which I have been writing for over ten years. I think, at one time or another, all of us who attempt to share what life has taught us, experience “The Impostor Syndrome.”
For me, this typically shows up one of two ways: Either I feel I have nothing left to share, or I feel unqualified to share my thoughts and observations. It does not matter that I know, in my heart of hearts, this is only my little ego being afraid. Such knowledge offers very little comfort when my life is reflecting back to me (largely because of choices I am making or have made) that I cannot live the “Truths” I share.
Knowing that the eyes which catch the reflections of my life are filtered by this strong negativity does not seem to offer much relief. When I am healthy. When I am merely walking my day-to-day journey and not allowing my thoughts to be dominated by “what I have not accomplished, what goals I have not reached, or which songs remain trapped in my heart, because of the fear that I may sing out of key,” all is well. I feel healthy, happy, and free of the chains, which still creep around my heart and brain, like vines of Kudzu, from time to time.
Knowing that I can BE in a state of perpetual freedom, it seems almost unfathomable that I would ever make another choice; but the trickster, the Loki of my brain, is very adept at making me think that the fruits of my labor should define me. It encourages me to reject what I know to be Truth: (that simply BEING is enough.) Why shouldn’t this aspect of my personality be highly skilled? It has been my constant companion, and many times my perceived “I AM,” for most of my 60+ years. What amazes me, and from a healthy, higher ground amuses me, is that I can still be so imprisoned by self-loathing, which I have supposedly cleared from my consciousness, so many times in the last 34 years of my spiritual quest.
I find that I must keep vigilant, each and every day, indeed each and every minute to make sure that I am not lulled into the painful sleep, which my forgetfulness affords. Whether I show up here to report on my lessons and progress/setbacks or I take another extended sabbatical from my frequently malfunctioning electronics, I vow, to myself, that each time I become aware of my destructive inner thoughts, I will forgive my past and, Â at least for the present, set myself free.
To anyone who finds this post: I am really grateful that you have taken the time to read this. If you are like me, your soul must need to hear this. I know I needed to or my heart would not have insisted on revealing how I can exist in such an unenlightened state.
Peace!
6 comments
Beautifully said Elliott! You have eloquently described what I experience as well. Perhaps you have described Life. Wht we know to be True is True all the time and will forever remain so; therein lies our comfort. We ARE having a human experience however and that tends to get messy. I have been in this lovely state of GRACE for a couple weeks now. I am so thoroughly reminded that “I” the me I perceive to be accountable – had nothing to do with this gift…Grace just showed up in the midst of my chaos. I have been sleeping soundly and awakening content…I had a day of extreme indulgence, which generally would lead to what you described – self loathing, feeling like a fraud…this time, I watched it like a movie – with assurances that despite my self destructive behaviors, I am loved – with a deep abiding love. This morning when I awoke, I heard soft whispers of assurance that all is well. I am blessed with this Spiritual comfort frequently and it keeps me in gratitude…what was different today was that the voice was distinctly female…a first. I’d never really thought about it but the awareness blessed me. My “human’ response to this Grace has been to wonder if I’m going to die – I guess it is inconceivable to that “self” to believe that peace and gratitude are sustainable in an earthly experience. I truly hope that self is wrong. I love viscerally “knowing” that whatever swirls around me – all is well. Love you bunches – you are a Blessing in this world! Can’t wait to see you. <3
Thank you, Eve. I resonate with everything you wrote and do think the self is wrong. I don’t think you are going anywhere soon.
Much Love,
Elliott
Elliott thank you for sharing this with us. I too have slipped from my center, my “home frequency” as Penney Pierce call it in her book “Frequency”. After moving to Florida a year ago, my Ego had taken over in a strong way. I had moved away from my friends, family and center. Even though I have met some lovely people I did not feel big connections to them for various reasons. Now I have found more people that are helping me in my growth and I am getting back to my more peaceful loving center. It was hard leaving all my teachers and friends in KC but I have seen that there are teachers and friends where ever I am. Thank you Elliott for being my teacher my friend! Keep writing because there are many of us that look forward to your writings and learn from those writings. Love you dear friend.
As I Love and am so grateful for your presence in my life.
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts.
Love, E
Dear writer,
In my opinion you should begin a book.
I too have a passion for phrases especially poetry and song writing.
The title Secrets to Peace is actually a good book title.
Go for it and reach your aspirations.
You can write beautifully
Thank you for your kind comments Leyan.